You are currently viewing The Gift of Chaos – There is No Saboteur
Confident spaceman is holding helmet and moving across wilderness. He looking ahead with determination. Profile. Copy space on right side

The Gift of Chaos – There is No Saboteur

What happens when we lose the control that we so preciously held on to?

What is happening with millions and maybe billions of women in the world when we had an idea of how something – our body, or something else – should be, and then it doesn’t go that way?

The concept of “the saboteur” is big in coaching circles these days. It’s the idea that there is something inside of us that wants us to fail, wants to trip us up and sabotage us.

However, what if we were to let in – even for a moment – the possibility that there is nothing in the universe that is trying to trip us up, only lessons to help feed the flame of our creation (life itself) so that what we do create is the strongest, most full-proof possible creation that we could have made?

I see this over and over again. A human asks for something, prays for something – maybe to have their career and livelihood be an expression of their true purpose here on earth, instead of the job they feel stuck in. And then the shit (seemingly) hits the fan.

Maybe they get fired, or they get so sick they can no longer work. The conditioned – the programmed – response is to condemn the illness, feel victimized by such poor luck – and on the surface we would have every right to feel that way.

But that response is denying or in some way intentionally (though perhaps unconsciously) not seeing all of this in the realm of magic. Magic is constantly operating behind the curtain of the 3-D reality of our lives, and it only takes to slow down – or even stop – for a moment and be willing to inquire into the less obvious meaning of the external events in our lives.

To come back to the subject at Curb the Binge, what happens when our bodies want to eat in a way that is not in accordance with our minds?

What happens when we are ravenous, and yet the mind wants to weigh 120 pounds?

We can choose – and we often do choose – to chomp at the bit until we are “overcome” – to fight until the very last second. And that’s not a bad way to go. It is, in fact, most natural. And yet, when we do lose (which we sometimes do) our almost knee-jerk reaction is to conclude that we are bad – not strong enough, not smart enough, not “present” enough – to stave off that biological urge.

But what if – just what if – what you are staving off has in it the seed of your wildest dreams?

What if things are not as they appear?

Here’s one pattern I have seen that proves true: when chaos takes over – whether in the realm of eating or in any other realm – we are no longer given the convenience of identifying with anything external.

We have to do a complete overhaul of what it is we have been identifying with, and that means one thing: that life is giving us a chance at transformation. It may not look pretty on the outside. But we are not here to be pretty, or to look pretty. I mean, it can be a nice and pleasant thing to feel pretty sometimes, and I wish everyone that wants that experience, to have it and enjoy it – but that is not what we are here for. 

We are here for our souls to grow, to experience the experiences that we came here for. Experience is the food of existence. And from a soul perspective, we didn’t just come here for the positive side, although after we’ve been through a rush of challenging or so-called “negative” experience, we so badly need a break that we often spend all our energy for some time trying to stave off the same happening again.

It’s a cycle. Order can never win all of the time.

If it did, we would never become who we are meant to become in this world. And that “becoming” is a process that is orchestrated by us, absolutely, but it isn’t orchestrated by the conscious mind, the highly developed new brain – there’s something much more all-encompassing at play.

Some of the most courageous souls I know have taken the form of women who have gone through massive swings in their weight. One result I have observed coming from this journey is that, when the weight of our bodies does not match who we feel ourselves to be, we inevitably need to separate from identification with the external self, and inquire into and eventually touch who we really are.

Beyond weight. Beyond the physical.

For someone who does not know who they are – or has forgotten – this is indeed a gift. Sometimes we find that, once we are in touch with ourselves, the weight effortlessly melts away. As they say, when we are called repeatedly into the same dark place, it’s because we still have something to learn there.

Back to the saboteur. The saboteur can exist only as long as we are convinced that our mind always knows what is best for us. But how many times have we been off-track with our thinking? Or, at least, one-track minded to the point of missing greatly important pieces of the big picture?

Imagine an incredibly “successful” businesswoman quickly climbing the corporate ladder and seeing her income grow at break-neck speed? Imagine also that she has a family at home, and her family is taken care of by nannies and after-school programs and cooks that she can afford because of her high-paying job. This rising level of success is what she has always wanted because she imagined it would give her fulfillment and freedom – and now, whether it really is bringing her fulfillment and freedom or not – her mind is fixated on that course. Anything to take her off of it is naturally seen as the saboteur at play, something to overcome.

Now imagine that this woman gets sick. She has no choice but to stay at home and rest if she wants to heal and someday have a “functional” life again. Suddenly her income plummets. She can no longer afford the nannies, and the dream life she had in mind seems to be slipping away. I don’t have to tell you how the story ends, I’ll just to interject one question: if suddenly, in a moment, while standing at the stove in her bathrobe and cooking oatmeal for her kids – she feels in all of her being the fulfillment and freedom she has always dreamed of – was that illness any kind of saboteur at all?

Vision is a gift of being Human. Being gifted a Vision of what it is we truly deeply desire is something that comes from far beyond the reaches of our conscious minds.

And yet the irony is that, once we have the vision, the conscious mind is lightning-quick to adopt it and to believe in earnest that it’s its job to fulfill that vision. As noble as its intent is, it was never the mind’s job to jump on a treadmill of fixation that blocks out all of life in order to make your vision come true. The mind and its capacities has a place, undoubtedly. We do benefit from doing our best. But the moment that we find ourselves  running on that hamster wheel out of fear more than love, out of dread of what it is we might lose rather than a healthy and organically-fueled instinct to paint our lives a beautiful creation – we’ve lost touch with that original vision.

It’s the most courageous task I know to go into our darkest corners with boldness and willingness. Knowing that who we are will not be destroyed by our shadow – to go into it with an open heart and courageously ask what is there for us.

After all, we can spend forever trying to fortify the barricade between ourselves and our demons – we can spend forever looping around in the same game of falling, getting up again, and then as soon as we are up trying to build that wall again – or we can take a different tack: we can go into the underworld and face our demons head-on with the only armor we need – an open heart.

Leave a Reply