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I’ve Become More of An Observer and Less the One that Knows Best

The universe is alive, and because everything within it is alive, it is responsive. Your eating disorder, my eating disorder, are living, breathing entities or phenomena that respond to the climate of our internal state.

Thus, to think in terms of “getting rid of” our eating disorder is sort of missing the mark.

Having an eating disorder is, in fact, a gift, because it gives us something to practice with.

Our disordered eating on the surface is a result of a disorder, or, put more gently, an imbalance of our internal state. The important thing to remember is that this is not us, it isn’t anything lasting or anything we need to identify with. It’s a current climate, like the weather, and we know from living on earth that in this physical landscape weather changes. Period.

There are days that are sunny and bright and the cool breeze in springtime balances the heat of the sun just right. We are in bliss.

And then, there are days – more often than not, in fact, especially in some parts of the world – wherein the weather does not feel at all balanced.

And so, as children of the earth, we need not feel bad or guilty that we have our own internal weather. It just comes with the territory.

Sometimes we are destructive. It is normal.

That’s not to say we can or should tolerate being destructive towards others. Always best to be kind, and yes, this is something we strive for.

It’s to say that there’s no self-judgement here.

What I have noticed about my personal binge eating pattern is that it occurs when I am pushing. When I am pushing for something to happen, trying to force an aspect of my life to fit a certain mold – life pushes back. My brilliant coach Kathe Izzo pointed this out to me several days ago.

When life pushes back, it pushes back in the form of a binge.

And so, I am practicing being the observer, waiting for space to open before I force my way in. When space opens, I step in naturally.

You might say, “that’s all well and good Katya but what does that really mean?”

It means trust. It means slowing down. It means that, even when you do binge, you know that there is intelligence behind that and you listen for it. Wait. The clouds will part, sometimes with a clap of thunder.

Once they do, clarity awaits.

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