So, I’ve been getting ready to launch this website for a little while now, and I’ve written some articles that I really hope will help you start your healing process from binge eating.
But this evening, after working all day, preparing to launch tomorrow, I had this nagging feeling and then an “aha” moment that I want to get to know you better, and that the kind of content I want to put on this site is not just about me helping you, or trying to fix you.
That I want to create a conversation with you, and be real with you about where I am at in my life, and that binge eating and healing from it is an ongoing process for me, that I continue to heal little things that come up.
So here’s the first post in a little series of journal entries, who knows how long it will be, to tell you candidly about my process, as it moves and changes day to day.
I do hope you will take some time to leave a comment, either here or in the comments section of other articles on this site, and let me know what resonates for you.
Does it sometimes happen to you that, just when you think you have a certain thing figured out, that you’ve found the solution to a certain problem in your life, it gets turned on its head and no longer works?
That’s happening to me right now.
You see, a few years ago, in the thick of some very big personal changes, I discovered that I could keep my diet more or less controlled by eating a strictly sugar and caffeine-free diet.
Not only that, I stopped eating grains and essentially went paleo.
This really helped me for a long time.
My sugar cravings were gone, I had more energy, more muscle (muscle burns more calories even while you are resting than fat does) so I generally felt stronger and better.
There are a lot of reasons why this diet worked for me ~ I am an O blood type with a dominant thyroid gland, etc. etc. As a health coach, I don’t recommend this diet for everybody.
Anyway, for me, this was relatively easy to maintain while being a single mom and living alone, that is without roommates or a partner.
I only kept the food that was within the specifications of my diet around.
I made my daughter eat eggs and veggies for breakfast every. Single. Day.
I tried to eat three meals a day with one snack. I was very disciplined.
I worked. I studied. I lived a hermit’s life when I wasn’t taking care of my daughter. I was like a machine, a machine that was working well, only there was one “problem.”
I wasn’t finished creating my life, there were still things I needed to change, to make happen, to build and add on.
And like the nagging of a traveler who has stayed in one place for too long, something started calling to me.
It started soft, and low. A distant call. Like it was addressing someone else.
And then it got closer, and as it approached, I realized the origin of the voice. It was unmistakeable.
Ohhhh, I remember why.
If I want to allow for new creation in my life, I have to make room for chaos.
Chaos is certainly not the linear way to create, but it is a way. It is the way of mother earth herself, who surprises us with her power on the regular. Tsunamis come and wipe out towns, floods change a landscape, forest fires cleanse at the same time as they destroy.
These things are not easy, they are devastating, and they create change, fast.
There are times in life when things are fast-forwarded.
This was one of those times.
In the span of several months, so many things happened, both amazing and challenging.
And both, the amazing and challenging things, have been hard to integrate.
Have taken a toll on my eating habits.
As a yoga practitioner for 12 years, I am finally having to learn some real flexibility.
You see, life was easy to organize when it was just me, and a seven-year-old whose life and eating habits I could pretty much dictate.
Now, it isn’t just me. There’s a partner and his offspring in the mix, blessings in my life that are forcing me to find new ways of dealing with my control issues around food.
The truth that is being brought to light for me is, binge eating for me is a control issue.
It’s about my need to be in control, and my fear that if I am out of control, I won’t be able to hold on to the things I love, that are important to me. The fear that if I cannot have complete rigid control over my diet, I will create drama and ugly situations instead of the harmony and beauty that I long to be my creation and my legacy on this earth.
Something is telling me, though, that if this dilemma is upon me, that means I am ready to learn that the most important things cannot be destroyed by eating a marshmallow, or having a snack between breakfast and lunch, or eating the wrong food combination.
The truth is, I am not in control.
I cannot dictate the circumstances of my life absolutely. And when I try to by having immaculate control of my diet, it does make me feel safe, it’s just that this feeling of safety is not real, it is based on an illusion.
And at the end of the day, going paleo was not the real solution. It was a diet, and diets exacerbate this in-control, out-of-control pendulum swing, giving us the illusion of control and keeping us from actually having to face the reality that we are not in control.
Even the very most welcome things in life, the clearest blessings, create a stressor that we have to adapt to. Introduce some chaos into the picture.
And we all know the in-control, out-of-control pendulum swing that happens with binging.
What I do have in my power is the intention of my own heart.
If that is strong, then that can be my anchor, and I don’t need to rely on my eating habits to be my sole stability in this life.
That way, eating a marshmallow can be just that ~ eating a marshmallow. It doesn’t have to mean that the sky is falling. And I even wonder if all those times in my life I did binge, it was my deeper self trying to show me something about life, #1) that I wasn’t in control, and #2) that as long as I tried to be, I would actually be blocking the real, natural flow of my life from happening.
That maybe the key is to let the flow happen and stay strong and solid in my intentions. At the same time. A balance.
So maybe I am on my way to eating what I want without worrying that if I eat a pretzel, I’ll lose control and eat the whole bag.
Maybe I can actually love food and use it wisely at the same time.
I know that my devotion to the people in my life, to my own personal growth, and to my work anchors me in ways that can bring me back any time I spin off, lose my center, forget for a moment what I am here to do.
What are your anchors? Those things that matter to you so much in life, they are non-negotiable and they will never change?